Let’s test your knowledge of consent. You can check the answer at the end of this post.
1. Can someone give consent to sex even if they’re drunk?
2. If someone is repeatedly pestered to nudes/ sex and eventually gives in and says yes, does it count as consenting?
3. If a woman has been flirting on a date, it wouldn’t be generally rape even if she hasn’t consented to sex?
4. If someone agrees to have sex on false promises of marriage and future together or with someone under false pretences, does it count as consenting?
5. Technically, can a husband rape his wife?
So what is consent?
Consent is permission for something to happen or agreement to do something. Now we need to distinguish different types of agreement here. Assent is agreement on the surface but the person does not certainly enjoy it or willingly give it. A good example of this could be a kid let an adult family member pinch his or her cheek without enjoying it at all or a wife giving her husband a blow job because he asks for it although she is not in the mood for it.
Asquiescence is reluctant agreement or agreement under threat of violence, coercion. Sexual harrasssment is a case in point. It doesn’t matter whether a person participates partly in the act or the whole act, but if this person finds the act offensive, objectionable or agrees to it for fear of losing their job or their family’s safety or being blackmailed into it, he or she is stilled considered a victim.
How does the law views consent?
In the eye of law, consent must be a freely given, knowledgeble, informed decision. This can be interpreted as follows:
– Anyone below the age of consent cannot give consent to sex. The age of consent varies from country to country, but it is usually set at 16 years of age.
– Anyone who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol or suffer from some kind of metal illness does not have the capacity to give consent.
– Some other factors that might affect someone’s capacity to consent might be considered are physical disabilities, consciousness, old age and relationship between the two people involved (superior, teachers, people in a position of authority), In these cases, consent might not be deemed as freely given.
Forms of expressing consent:
We can seek consent through verbal and written agreement, facial expression and body language. Everyone can understand a loud and clear NO, but there is subtle disagreement expressed by body language that we need to pay attention to especially when it comes to sex since it can constitute a crime if the person you are having sex with does not give his or her consent to it. Sometimes, the body just freezes due to fear although the person might not voice their disagreement. Another time, this could be a flinch of the eyes, eyes closed, mechanical movements, a relunctant YES. Some people could respond with a laughter when they are nervous; it doesn’t mean that they are willing to join in. At times, people asquiesce to a sexual act just to get over with or just to please their partner. A “No” is defitenly a “no go ahead” sign but a “maybe” should be considered a “no” as well, and men shouldn’t consider this a conquest or “Yes” the final result of a challenge. We should also be aware of involuntary body reaction to sexual stimulus. When a woman get wet, her body might like what is being done to her, but does she want what follows next or what is doing performed on her? Can making a woman who might enjoy being eaten and climax every time have an orgasm against her will considered rape? The end doesn’t justify the means. I’ve noticed most men like to invite women out for a drink because they know alcohol will loosen people up, make people lose inhibition and more likely to engage in a sexual act. Women know this too and if they have to rely on alcohol to get down and dirty with a man, they are not convinced that they should get involved in this act. And how would the man feels if only when she is drunk or tipsy, she is willing to have sex with him? If both are well aware of this incapacity to give consent under the influence of alcohol, then why partaking in it?
What are some issues in daily life that need our consent to?
There are so many things that need our consent to in our daily life.
Consent in social interaction: When we meet new people, we need to ask them if it’s ok for us to just shake hands, or give them a hug or give them a kiss on their cheek. Also when we are with another person, value their personal space. Ask the person you are talking to if they are comfortable with the distance between you too or when you sit down next to someone, ask them if the mind that.
Consent in sexting:
Sexting include sex chatting, sending videos and images of nude bodies and porn. More often than not, the perpetraitor of this kind of sexual harrassment is men. It is considered creepy to send unwanted dick pictures to a woman let alone unwanted masturbation videos. I used to receive several dick shots whose owners thought it was a good way to turn women on and that women would jump at the chance and start partake in whatever they were doing. Women might want to receive them but at the right time and in the right context, and also with their approval first.
Medical consent: Physicians need patients’ consent to any treatment, test or examination. This consent has to be obtained in writing and kept in
- voluntary – the decision to either consent or not to consent to treatment must be made by the person, and must not be influenced by pressure from medical staff, friends or family
- informed – the person must be given all of the information about what the treatment involves, including the benefits and risks, whether there are reasonable alternative treatments, and what will happen if treatment does not go ahead
- capacity – the person must be capable of giving consent, which means they understand the information given to them and can use it to make an informed decision
From my experience with medical consent in public hospitals in Vietnam, the hospital staff just gave you a form as a relative of the patient to sign to commit him/ her to a surgery. There are boxes for you to tick that you fully understand there could be complicattions and that you volunteer your family member to go under the knife but no explanation was given and what complications could be.
Data collection and privacy consent:
We all use technology in some ways and these companies always collect our information. According to one company, there are 50 trillion personal data transactions carried out per day. These data include our email address, phone number, name, physical address, occupation, images& videos (for example, the ones uploaded on IG and FB), IP address, our preferences, phone model, operating system, locations, spoken language, applications etc. Everytime we visit a website, we are asked to agree to cookies to identify our computer, that is us, the user, or every time we want to update our phone or computer to a new version, we are asked for our consent. We have no choice but to give it unless we want to turn our phone into a brick or deprive our computer of new features or expose it to security risks. What we can do though is consciously not volunteering our information further or hold these companies that we give consent to liable for mishandling our personal information.
Sexual consent
In relationship from one stage to another, consent should be sought each and every time from holding hands to touching, kissing and eventually sex. People might consent to one sexual act; it doesn’t mean they necessarily agree to another. People agree to one sexual act; it doesn’t mean they automatically agree to the same act at different times. People can totally change their mind in the mid of a sexual act. Ask for permission to move on to another act or discuss possibilities before having an intimate encounter, which means both partner need to practise giving an affirmative yes or an absolute no.
Education of consent:
Some educators argue that consent education should start when children are in kindergarten. They say that we should teach children that they have options and they can do what they want with their body. Teaching xhildren consent is teaching people how to respect them and how they have to respect others’ freedom and choices. I am not a child psychologist or a sex researcher, so I cannot say if it’s the best approach but I agree that we should start teaching our younger generation the notion of consent, the practice of giving and receving it a few years before they reach puberty and definitely before the age of consent.
Implication of consent:
– Does romance and spontaneity have to die because of practice of asking for consent?
– Is it a bit annoying and troublesome to keep checking if the partner still agrees to whatever you are doing?
– Since women don’t volunteer sex as often as men, what will happen to men’s sex life if every time men ask for sex from their partner or girlfriend and receive a no?
– Does it mean we just give up on courting when we express our like or love for someone and it is unrequited?
– What about malicious people trick us into having sex with them then accuse us of raping them?
– What about people taking advantage of their consent to quit half way when we are so close to climax?
I believe that if we are aware of different types of consent and situations that need our consent as well as practise asking for consent and accepting a no for answers; we will get used to not getting offended every time someone says no to us; we might even get better at interpreting a subtle no. And maybe when men and women are on the same page about consent in relationship, they can figure out what the other person wants without explicitly saying so.
Answers to the quiz: 1 No; 2 No; 3 Yes; 4 No; 5 Yes